What Would I Do Without You

She doesn't know I'm writing this.  She's got her nose in a book, curled up on a beach chair.  I really can't write enough words that would adequately portray how much I adore her.  Driving to get a snow cone this afternoon, I could feel my heart swell each time I heard her sing the words "what would I do without you" along with Drew Holcomb.  I was overwhelmed with that thought, what would I do without her?   Luckily I was rockin some of my dad's sunglasses so she couldn't see the worry on my face or tears that had welled up in my eyes.  But as she belted out this stanza over and over again, I thought of her response when we found out she'd need a procedure to repair a hole in the upper chambers of her heart:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:2-3 

The Lord has instilled a peace and perseverance in her that keeps her grounded.  I am blown away by her resilience.  This girl has endured more ailments over the last 2 years than anyone could imagine and  would have left most crying like a baby in a corner.  But when your source of joy is He who is greater, your response is rooted in what He will do through your circumstance to bring Him glory, not the sum of your circumstances.   I said earlier that I couldn't write enough words to adequately describe how much I adore my wife, and these are but a snipit of how I feel.  I love you babe.

Nathan

a new chapter

As I sit on our couch looking at all the things being packed away it brings tears to my eyes. Tears of sadness because we will be boarding a plane on Friday and leaving this beautiful country. Tears of joy because of what lies ahead and because of all the Lord has done in our 18 months of living here. Tears of hope for whats to come. Our emotions are everywhere right now and it's always hard to put how we feel down on a piece of paper. Last week Nathan and I were blessed with the opportunity to get away and spend some special time together reflecting on our time serving in Cape Town. We were able to travel and see some more of this country that we have called home for the past 18 months. I am so grateful that we were able to get away and have that time together.

Now, here we are, 3 days away from boarding a plane back to the home of the free and the brave. There are many things that excite me about going home, especially seeing our precious family and friends. I'm ready to hug the necks of my parents, in-laws, grandparents, and my sweet best friends who have been nothing but an encouragement since we have been here. I'm excited about setting up our home wherever that may be and making new friends. I'm excited to continue to support Nathan as he pursues his dreams and remind him daily to focus his heart and mind on Christ, the giver of all things. One of my favorite things about living here in South Africa is how simple life is on a day to day basis. People truly care about getting to know you and your story. They don't worry about time like we do in America. While this has been frustrating sometimes, I know it will be something I miss once I get home. The fast pace way of life back in the states isn't something they know here. They enjoy each day as it comes and count their blessings, no matter how big or small. I am challenged by that and pray that I can take that lesson home with me. I pray that I can be as intentional as my friends here have been to me. I have learned so much from the people God has placed in our lives. Whether that be how to take each day as it comes. How to love better. The characteristics of a good parent. What makes marriage work. Freedom in Christ. The abundance of grace that is poured over us daily. The way just one smile or hug can completely turn around a child's day. The joy found in a conversation. A helping hand. The importance of community. And how BIG our God truly is. I pray as we say our goodbyes this week that we have left a mark on this place. That our hand has left a print on the community of Red Hill and in the hearts of the children and teens we have worked with. I pray that not a day goes by where they don't know how much they are loved and cared for. I pray that they keep shining bright and that they continue to chase their dreams. I pray that their little hearts won't grow weary and they will strive to live like Christ daily.

The impact that this place has made on Nathan and I is bigger then any words I could put on a page. This place has changed us forever and our hearts leap thinking of the day we will all be reunited again. O how beautiful that day will be. For now, we leave with hearts rejoicing because of His faithfulness and love. We look forward to a new chapter that will be filled with it's own adventures and stories. A chapter where we will be able to look back years from now and see how God was molding us now for what's to come. For those who have supported and loved us from day one of this journey we are so thankful for you. We would never have been able to do this without you and for that we are so grateful. As we look to the future we do so with excitement for what He has planned. We can't wait to watch his plans for our lives unfold right before us. May He continue to get all the glory and may we always fix our eyes on Him in the years to come. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

our journey continues

2 years ago I started this blog and began to write about our journey to South Africa. I remember sitting in my apartment on my bed thinking about the future and all that was going to happen. I wrote...

"If you would have told me five years ago that I would be graduating from college, getting married to the most amazing guy in the world, and then picking up our new life and moving to South Africa I might have thought you were crazy. The past year of my life has had some of the most joyful times and some of the hardest times. Through everything one thing stayed consistent; the sovereignty and love of our Father. He has been preparing me for this season in my life from the very beginning. He has given me the desire to be a wife and love my husband unconditionally through everything. He has given me the passion and love for people that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world. Then He came along and grew my heart for the people of Cape Town and the ministry that is taking place there. He continued to show up in my life and truly showed me what it means to sacrifice and be obedient to His calling and not my own. As I look to the future and all the "unknowns" it excites me more then ever. I don't know exactly what the future looks like for my new family in South Africa, but I do know that my Father has gone before me and knows exactly how we're going to be used. I know there will be times of hardship, when it feels like we've hit a wall and there is no way around it. I pray that in those times we will cling to our Father's feet and let him guide us. Change can be scary sometimes, but the big change that is about to happen in my life is going to be one of the most exciting moments in my life. He has opened door after door to get us to this place. I have no doubt in my mind that Nathan and I are right in the center of His will for our life and I've never been in a better place. My prayer is that we cling to the words of Paul in Philippians 4. "Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again-REJOICE! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all that he has done. Then you will experience God's peace which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus!" God has already blessed us beyond what we deserved and will continue to poor those blessings on us. Though the seasons will continue to change, I pray that the way we carry the name of Jesus will bring glory to his name always. In the midst of all the "unknowns" ahead of us, our God is the one thing that will never change. Thank you for this new season of life Father! I'm so excited and ready to experience ALL you have for us!"

Here we are, 2 years later, about to embark on another journey. The journey ahead has many unknowns but we believe we are right where He wants us to be. Our time here is coming to a close. The thought of getting on a plane in less then 3 weeks to fly home brings all sorts of emotions. We are excited to see all the Lord has for us in this next season, but are devastated to leave this place we have called home and deeply saddened to leave the ones we love behind. We pray a prayer of thanksgiving to our Father who has loved and been with us every step of the way. The One who has picked us up when we have been so far down. The One who brings us joy that surpasses all understanding. The One who is sovereign and through all the changes has been the one constant for us. As this beautiful chapter comes to a close, we are reminded of his goodness and grace. We give Him all the glory for the things that have been done and the things yet to come. And we hold tight to the moments that we have left, in the place that has stolen our heart. 

for the sake of Christ

I'm constantly blown away by the faith of the people we work with on a daily basis. We hear and see a lot of heartache doing what we do. On Friday mornings we always come together as Life Skill Educators to talk about the week and plan for the week ahead. The moods of the morning change week to week. Some Fridays I can tell that the week has been wonderful and gone smoothly. Other times you can see the pain and burden that each of the faces in the room are carrying from the week past. As we sit around the tables and share stories and hear the hearts of those we do life with, I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to know them.

We were asked on Friday to write down why we are Life Skill Educators. As I sat there thinking back on my past 17 months here it was clear to me why I am here doing what I do. There are many reasons why I love being in Red Hill. Being a LSE isn't an easy job. It can be emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually draining at times. At the end of the day though, I can look back and see the joy that was on our children's faces. The joy that comes with a hug, a conversation, or taking time to simply be there and spend time with them. At the end of the day we can look back and see that Christ name was lifted high and they are hearing how much they are loved and cared for. It is such a blessing getting to work alongside the life skill educators in all the communities. They are truly ambassadors of Christ on the battlefield, making sure the name of Christ is magnified week after week. "Therefore we are ambassadors of christ, God making his appeal through us. we implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:20-21 My life has been blessed more then I could have ever imagined. They all inspire me to be more like Christ everyday. I think thats one of the things I'll miss the most when we go home in May. Walking through life with these beautiful people that we call brothers and sisters.

Nathan had to answer the same question as to why he is a life skill educator. He answered, "To be able to reach kids and teens for the Lord is a large task, especially for a white American. To many kids, they see dollar signs and jungle gyms. But the reason I am an LSE is because I believe every child deserves to feel love, appreciated, and valued. To be able to be intentional with kids, show them God loves them and that they are of worth. Not every child grows up knowing the love of God, and my heart pulses to make every child and teen I see experience the love of our Father. My prayer and hope is that not one child could say that they don't feel valued when they are at club."

As I read through everyones answer to this question from Friday tears fill my eyes. Tears of thankfulness and joy. Tears that know no matter how hard life is for them individually, they are always putting the needs of these kids, teens, and parents before themselves. That is love. That is being filled with the joy of the Lord. They are a big reason why Nathan and I love what we get to do week after week.
Days can be long. Days can be hot. Days can be stressful. Days can be draining...BUT... Our days are blessed. Our days are full of smiles. Our days are intentional. Our days are beautiful.

"And I pray that the sharing of your faith may become effective for the full knowledge of every good thing that is in us for the sake of Christ." Philemon 1:6

Living Grace

I can't believe it's almost been 2 months since our last blog entry. For that I apologize. Life gets going fast and this somehow gets put on the back burner. We pray your Christmas and New Year was exciting and full of time with family and friends. We had a wonderful, relaxing time together with our dear friends here in Cape Town. As most missionaries will say, it's hard being so far away during the holidays, but we are grateful for our new family here who makes it feel more like home. Since January we have been busy hosting different people in our little home. My mom arrived on the first of January and it was such a joy to have her here with us. She spent 13 days here and soaked everything up. It is kind of a blur now looking back because we did so many things, but she had a wonderful time seeing our world and loving on our family in Red Hill.

I have to share one of the moments when my mom was here. Most of you reading this don't know that my mom was/is an alcoholic. For the first 9 years of my life my mom spent most of her days with a bottle to her mouth, not remembering the next day what happened the night before. There are certain things I remember when I was little but not much. I remember that she was always a loving/caring mother that would do absolutely anything for me. To make matters worse my father was also an alcoholic so my mom didn't have the support she needed to get help. My dad died when I was 8 years old on New Years Eve. My mom continued to drink for the next year or so. Until one day, she woke up from a hangover, looked herself in the mirror and said, "I have got to change." My mom took her last drink on St. Patrick's Day, 1998. She called that day and became apart of an AA group that was meeting close to where we lived. She had the utmost support from my step dad, Ted, and began her road to sobriety. She will tell you now that it wasn't easy. There were days that all she wanted to do was pick up a bottle of liquor and drink the whole thing. But through this journey something bigger happened. Something that she didn't plan. Through this journey she found the one person that had been there all along. She found Jesus. He met her exactly where she was and told her that He had been waiting. While she had a lot of questions about this so called "God," she kept searching and within a couple of years, gave her life to Christ and has never looked back. That's the beautiful thing about our King, He has always and will always be there.

I tell you all of this because my favorite moment when my mom was here was when we went to Living Grace, the drug and rehab center that falls under the Living Hope umbrella of ministries. She sat among 10-15 people who are on the same journey she was on 15 years ago. Some had been clean for a couple months, some 2 weeks, and some 1 day. As we sat there I couldn't help but look at the faces in that circle. Some looked excited. Others looked terrified. As I looked over at my mom I could see the love she already had for these people. Strangers in our eyes, but children of the most high God. Children that are so loved and cared for that He doesn't need us but He chooses us to walk alongside them. My mom quietly raised her hand and shared with the people in the circle. She told them, "don't give up...I have sat where you are sitting...the road isn't easy but it's worth it...I have seen my life change dramatically...Instead of waking up ashamed and unaware of the night before, I wake up with joy and the realization that I am so loved and adored...It will get better...Stick with it..." As I listened to the words come out of my moms mouth my eyes filled with tears. This woman that I have called my mom for 25 years is truly a beautiful example of grace. I am so thankful that she was able to come here and not only hang out with us and encourage us, but also speak truth into peoples lives who are seeking Christ more then ever. She shines so brightly and people can see the love of Christ inside of her. My prayer is my mom's words stick with those sitting in that circle at Living Grace. When the day comes that they want to take a sip of alcohol or have some drugs, they will remember the words my mom spoke. That they will remember the road isn't going to be easy, but the reward of knowing and living a life for Christ is far greater then anything that they could ever imagine. Thank you mom for being the women you are, for loving people the way you do, and for showing me the joy of the Lord. You are my hero.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

He is God, He is great, He is enough

It seems like yesterday that we started our journey to South Africa. Finalizing Visa information, making packing list, and getting ready for the new life we were going to start together. There were times when doubt filled my mind and I really wondered what we were doing. We had only been married for 6 weeks and were moving our life an ocean away from family, friends, and everything that was comfortable. In the midst of all that craziness one thing remained the same, our God is faithful and He was walking this road with us. We said from the beginning of this journey that we were going to continue to walk through doors as they opened. If a door closed then we would know that the Lord was leading us down another path. As doors continued to open we knew that the next season of our life would be spent sharing the name of Christ to the people of South Africa. We have been here a little over a year now and I had to remind myself this morning of the same thing I told myself 17 months ago, God is faithful and He is walking down this road with us. As most of you know we had a fundraiser Friday night to raise money for the duration of our time here in South Africa. Through a couple of months of prayer and talking to mentors in our life, we feel that our time in Cape Town is coming to a close and a new chapter is going to begin. We will be heading back to the states in May for good. We are at complete peace about this decision and feel as if we are following the Lord's will for our lives at this point. When we started talking about the fundraiser it was overwhelming, but with the help of some amazing people back home we were able to make it happen. Once we had sent out invitations the only thing left to do was film a short video that would be shown the night of the fundraiser and pray for people to come out and support us. As the days drew closer I began to worry. Why isn't anyone telling me if they can come? What if nobody shows up? What if the people that do show up don't give as much as we need? Why is fundraising so difficult? All these questions starting to pour in and it was very frustrating. I spent so much time asking God to provide. I kept expressing to Him how much we want to be here and we can't do that if we don't raise the necessary funds. This morning I had a huge wake up call. Who am I to doubt God? Who am I to put limits and think He isn't going to provide for Nathan and I? I doubted the same God who was with us every step of this journey and who literally paved the way for us being here today. I doubted the God who through every tear, illness, confusion, and need was there. He was there, holding us close, telling us we were going to be okay, because He is our Father and He loves us to much for us not to be okay. My eyes filled with tears as I read Psalm 77:11-15 this morning. "I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples? You with your arm redeemed your people, the children of Jacob and Joseph." What god is like OUR GOD? There is none. I am so thankful for that reminder this morning. This journey has had it's bumps in the road. Times where I was so confused and never thought I would understand. I will probably leave here in May and not really understand the impact we made while we were here and that's okay. There is one thing that I will know when I leave and it's the same thing that I have known all along. Our God is faithful and he has walked this entire road with us. We should expect great things from God because He is just that, GREAT! If something doesn't work out exactly the way we want it to, that's okay because He is still great! We don't know the number yet on how much we raised on Friday night but I'm not going to worry about it like I have been because we have always had enough. I have gotten so wrapped up in raising the exact number we need but now I rejoice knowing that His name was lifted high and He received the glory for all that is happening here in Cape Town. We are excited to finish out our last 6 months here strong and remembering that He is God, He is great, and He will always be enough. 

CONSIDER It Pure Joy

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of any kind, for you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance”  James 1:2-3

Have you ever read a verse that you’ve read for years, maybe even have it memorized for some occasions, and understood it to mean one thing, only to realize later that it has an even deeper meaning?  That verse you read or have memorized can comfort you, put a smile on your face, or pull you through a tough situation depending on your circumstances.  I’m sure you even can use it to help someone else in a similar situation.  Even after having it memorized or having recited it to others in need, you can read it and it’s like you’re reading it for the first time.  Life happens, adversity comes along and so you naturally default to the word, phrase, or verse that you go to when you need to pull through and BOOM.  It’s like your reading it for the first time. Your current set of circumstances allows you to understand this thing in an entirely new context.  That’s what happened this week with the above scripture in James.

For years, anytime something happened I wish hadn’t to me or someone close to me, I’d generally go back to this passage to help gain perspective and hopefully it would aid my getting over it.  Whether using it to get over a broken heart, missed opportunity, lost job or whatever my default mindset was to be happy, because that’s what God tells us to do.  Consider it pure joy.   Even though you don’t understand, consider it a joy because this testing of your faith will make you stronger.  Be happy because your faith is growing.  While that mindset isn’t necessarily a bad one, I was leaving out one critical detail.  There was still pain.  This verse didn’t cure the hurt that had caused me to go to this passage in the first place.  Then I read it yesterday and my mind was shattered.  My understanding of this passage of Scripture was just flipped on its head. 

Prior to yesterday, my formula for getting through tough situations using these verses was very easy.  Be happy, even in the pain, because you’ll be stronger for it and you’re faith will grow as a result.  The better front you put up, the easier it is to get over and move on, the more you’ll grow. 

Late Sunday night, our car was broken into, adding a broken window to a long list of problems we’ve had to sort out with our Jeep.  Along with some change, 3D movie glasses, and a car charger, all our paperwork for this vehicle was stolen.  This headache was compounded by the surprise visit to an Ophthalmologist on Tuesday who determined that I have ulcers on both corneas in my eyes.  After what we thought was a routine eye exam because I needed some new contacts, we were advised to rush to the specialist who had worked me in so he could get a better look at these ulcers.  The thought of ulcers like you get in our mouth and lips in your eyes is far worse that the pain is.  Although my eyesight has deteriorated a bit because of them, I should be back to 100% after 2 weeks of medicine. 

But it was in the couple of hours just after the doctor appointment that I started in my default – thinking and praying this passage.  I was saying it over and over in my head on my way home from Club when it hit me. 

Consider it pure joy my brothers.

Consider it pure joy.

CONSIDER it pure joy. 

There’s where my mind had been blown and my understanding of a verse I had often called upon during trying times had been given a deeper understanding.  Although I had already resorted to thinking about how this experience would help me later in life, God opened my eyes, quite literally, to the truth in the first word of the verse.  Consider.  Where my previous mindset told me to be happy, and smile through all this mess, this word told me that it was fine to be frustrated, confused and upset.  Through this single word, my previous mindset had been rocked with a new perspective.  I love it when God does that.